Who to Tell When the Planet’s About to Explode
by Melora's Daughter
Summary: Just as the title says. Set at the beginning of the series when Ford just found out that the planet’s about to be destroyed. Hints of FordArthur.
1. Chapter 1

_Summary: Just as the title says. Set at the beginning of the series when Ford just found out that the planet's about to be destroyed. Hints of Ford/Arthur._

_Disclaimer: No, I don't own these wonderful characters or storyline. There's no way I'd be able to think of such a thing!_

Who to Tell When the Planet's About to Explode

Ford Prefect sighed and looked down at the winking, black Sub-Etha Sens-O-Matic lying peacefully on his towel. He wished there was another way. He was quite attached to the planet Earth, even though it had often felt like a rather spacious jail cell throughout the fifteen years he had been stranded on it. Still, it was the way of the universe to destroy small insignificant planets to make way for hyperspace bypasses.

He checked that all his important stuff was in his satchel, turned off _Casablanca _(he had to leave it half way through _again_) and walked outside, planning to find a good place to catch a lift with one of the Vogon Constructor Fleet spaceships that were about to destroy the Earth.

He way also thinking of whom he should tell. Not that it would help at all, but was there anyone he should take with him? An image flashed through his mind, but was gone before he could register it. Instead he thought of a pretty blond girl he had talked to at a party last night. But he didn't know where she was at the moment and anyway, she had seemed a little scared when he had drunkenly started telling her about his home planet of Betelgeuse.

He continued musing about this slight problem and, without conscious thought, he turned towards the road that led to where his good friend, Arthur Dent, lived. As time slowly ticked down to the final moments of life on Earth, his comfortable walk grew faster, into something that was almost a jog. By the time he reached Arthur Dent's house he was full on running. He skidded to a halt in front of a very strange scene, consisting of yellow bulldozes and brown mud, in which Arthur was lying. His heart squeezed as he looked down at the Earthman. Without realizing it, Ford had made up his mind to take Arthur with him. Arthur was very straight and he could do with a bit of lightening up. What better way to do that then take him for a holiday around the galaxy? Ford told himself, trying to hide the other, deeper reason for wanting Arthur to come with him. He looked down at his digital watch, an obsessive habit of humans that he had picked up sometime in the years of being surrounded by them. He had exactly thirteen minutes to talk Arthur around. And if he failed, well, he would just have to drag him along anyway. He couldn't bear to even think of leaving him behind.

In a less stressful moment, Ford may have wondered about these surprising feelings for the monkey descendant. But this was a very stressful moment, so Ford dismissed his thoughts and set about persuading the man lying below him.

_Well, I hope you liked it. You should review and tell me. Please? __I'm thinking of adding another chapter set at the end of the trilogy. But I'll see how it turns out first._


	2. Chapter 2

_Ok, here it is. The second chapter, set a little bit after the end of the trilogy._

Why You Should Never Fall in Love

Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral Arm of the Milky Way Galaxy lies a small unregarded solar system. At the centre of this solar system is a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting around this sun is a small unregarded planet, important only to the ape-descended life forms that inhabit there, and a sole Betelgeusen sitting in a dim, dingy pub known as the Horse and Groom to the ape-descendants who live in Islington, England (the European continent, the very edge of the eastern corner of the Northern Hemisphere, the Earth). The Betelgeusen was, of course, Ford Prefect, and he was attempting to get drunk, to help him forget his despair. This plan was even working until the barman started talking to him.

"Hey, you look down." Ford was always amazed by the human's talent at pointing out the obvious. He sent the barman a you-can-try-talking-to-me-but-I'm-not-going-to-answer look.

The barman, oblivious, asked "What's up?" (Ford resisted from asking if the barman would make up his mind about which direction Ford was in.)

Ford tried another look, this time a keep-talking-to-me-and-you'll-end-up-feeling-very-uncomfortable-and-embarrassed. He turned away from the barman.

The barman, now a bit embarrassed and rather uncomfortable, kept at it. "Had a bad day?"

Ford changed tactics.

"Yes. A very bad day. In fact, I would even go as far to say a terrible day."

"Really?" asked the barman.

"Oh yes. It was a stupendously, totally, horribly, dreadfully, hideously, awfully, atrociously, terrible day."

"That's not good," the barman commented.

"No it's not." Ford replied, before going to his last resort, (which he seemed to be using quite a lot lately), a make-me-put-up-with-your-company-one-more-second-and-I'll-rip-your-throat-out-with-my-teeth-and-throw-it-to-whatever-dog-like-creatures-inhabit-this-planet look. The barman finally took the hint.

"Ah, excuse me," he said, walking away looking quite nervous, decidedly uncomfortable and rubbing his neck protectively.

Good, though Ford. Now I can get back to forgetting. Unfortunately, now he couldn't stop thinking of the image that had made his day so bad. To try to distract himself, he looked around, remembering how, many years ago now, he sat in this very chair and told Arthur about the destruction of the world. He recalled all the strange emotions he had felt and repressed. Through their many adventures together he had been forced to recognize them for what they were. He'd never told Arthur though. The Earthman wouldn't have been able to cope. Ford himself was barely coping.

A loud noise brought Ford back to the present. Now he was thinking of Arthur. _Again. _He sighed and took a sip of beer. There'd be no more forgetting tonight. Frustration and anger swelled up inside him. He slammed his glass down on the wooden table. He was such an idiot! What type of frood falls in love with his best friend?

Desperately Ford scrabbled in his satchel. He pulled out his Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy and looked up love, knowing it was pointless.

The words appeared across the screen as Ford ran his eyes across them. He knew them off by heart, he'd read them so many times.

_Love_ says the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy _is a feeling very few creatures in the Universe can feel. A being can feel strong attachment to something or someone and be upset, maybe even distraught, if that thing or one disappears, but it is not true love. There are only two beings that are known to feel love. One is the Daisukien Leeches of Venus 12. These parasites are very clever and have learned to gather the love they feel of things and distill it into a potion. They then sell these manufactured love potions to other planets. Thanks to the Daisukien Leeches it has now become a fashion for beings to tell their mates for that day that they love them. This phrase is empty, and if someone genuinely claims they're in love they are ridiculed by most populations and in someone planets, sent to Venus 12 to be treated by the Daisukien Leeches. The treatments are…_

The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy then goes on to explain all the horrible things which can happen to those in love. Ford skipped this and scrolled down to some familiar words, which he wrote himself.

_The second creatures to feel love are the human beings of Earth. They generally believe that though it is possible to fall in love many times in life, there is only one person of everyone. Acting on this knowledge, they will usually agonize over finding "the one" then, one they have found "the one" they then say they devote their lives to this one person before leaving them anywhere from 3 months to 20 years later. Though this idea is considered primitive by most of the Universe, on the rare occasion that humans do find "the one", they then for the rest of their lives feel very happy and fulfilled._

_Best way to mate with a human: tell them that you love them._

_WARNING: it is possible while on Earth to pick up the habit of believing that you yourself are in love with a particular human. Advice if this happens: Get off the planet as fast as possible._

That was the problem, mused Ford. I got off the planet. I just took the human I was "in love" with with me. That was a bad idea.

It was also a bad idea for him to come back after leaving Arthur for the second time on Earth. He had seen that Arthur was quite contented with that Fenchurch girl. It was bad enough meeting her the first time. Coming back to find them married, well, that was enough to make anyone depressed.

Ford groaned and thumped his head on the bar top. Why hadn't he told Arthur how he'd felt when he had picked him and Fenchurch up the first time? He'd gotten close by saying that he'd had some major unfinished business left, but he'd never told Arthur what that was. He couldn't do it; it was too embarrassing. And now Arthur was living a very happy life with the girl and there was nothing Ford could do about it.

To help him feel better Ford decided to work on another write up for the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.

_Why You Should Never Fall In Love,_ he wrote.

_1. No one believes you when you tell them_

_2. You can't stop thinking about the person, even when you're having sex with someone else_

_3. Your stomach learns how to do acrobats, which it then performs every time you see them, which becomes uncomfortable after a time._

_4. When you're with them you want to stay forever in their company but you're scared that you're going to blurt out how you feel and then be very embarrassed._

_5. It's embarrassing in general_

_6. You never_

Ford paused and looked up. A very pretty girl was watching him. She smiled when he looked at her and he couldn't help smiling back. Something about her said that she could cope with the incredible. Maybe it was the way her hair was dyed a hideously bright green and blue. Or was it her nails, painted a marble whirl of colours? It could just be the look in her clear blue eyes, something which said "I'm a fun-loving girl. I'm bored and my life is wasted here so please take me away somewhere mindblowingly exciting."

His stomach started doing the circus stunts it usually reserved only for Arthur. Ford looked down at his list then up at the girl. Then again, love could be a pretty hoopy feeling. Sometimes.

_A/N You know now what you have to do? Go down and click that review button! BTW, I couldn't bear to leave Ford feeling so depressed, so I had to give him a happier ending. (Please don't kill me, Arthur/Ford fans! I'm sorry, but short of writing Fenchurch out, it couldn't be any other way! I'm SORRY!)_


End file.
